About half of my clients come for relationship counselling. Most of my counselling with couples, whether married or de-facto, is in the areas of communication, conflict, sex, and the relationship changes that come with having a family. I provide relationship counselling that honours both parties and focuses on what’s needed to strengthen and deepen the relationship.
We live in a society which, in my view, does not adequately prepare us for committed relationships and does not adequately resource us for dealing with the inevitable difficulties involved in two fallible human beings living in close proximity.
As Wendell Berry says, `Marriage is a not entirely satisfactory solution to a not entirely soluble problem.’
The Challenge
My own observation is that for most people marriage (or a committed de facto relationship) seems to involve a very long ‘apprenticeship’. The apprenticeship entails getting to know the other person, truly getting to know yourself, and learning how a relationship works – or doesn’t as the case may be.
And on top of the challenges inherent in two adults getting together, we then add children and stir!
As one of my early Gestalt Therapy trainers used to say, marriage and family life is probably the biggest challenge we set ourselves. The challenge of marriage and the many phases of marriage and family life can certainly keep us on our toes. So it should be no surprise when we encounter difficulties in our own marriage or family. The pressures are complex and we need resources well suited to the challenge.
My Orientation
After initially specialising in individual counselling and therapy, I felt a conviction in the mid 1990s to train in couples and family therapy. I am uncomfortable with the emphasis in our society (and in my early training) on each of us as separate individuals. We all live our lives in a wider web of relationships, whether they are intact or estranged, functional or dysfunctional.
I am trained in a variety of approaches to relationship counselling and therapy – systemic, structural and strategic. These enable me to see relationships differently. In a nutshell, they help me to see how we maintain the very patterns that we find unsatisfying. They also give me some ideas about how to change those patterns.
Relationship counselling with couples is now one of my favourite professional pursuits.
I know that some people find the idea of couple counselling threatening. Some men may find the idea particularly daunting, perhaps because of a bad experience in the past or because they have encountered hostility and anti-male prejudice. It is important to note that not all counsellors and psychologists are trained couple counsellors. It is a specialist area.
My approach is to honour both parties and work in an even-handed way to support and build the relationship.
If you are interested in reading about about my own approach to men and relationship counselling, see my article ‘Men and Relationship Services: Putting the Cart Before the Horse? Papering Over the Cracks?’, published in Psychotherapy in Australia.
